Disclaimer: This post will talk about abortion. There may be graphic details.
This post will be long and it will not be open for comments.
Please repost this if you feel led.
The devil stole my joy 3 months ago. Swept it right out from under me. There was no warning. There was no inkling or notion that this certain day would be different than any other. We’ve all been there haven’t we? Tragedy strikes when we least expect it. And it’s always the stuff we never came up with in our anxiety driven thoughts. How many times have you worried that your spouse may die on the job? Or have you ever came up in your mind a scenario of driving home and seeing the ambulance in your driveway? But when you do finally get a devastating blow it’s something your imagination/ worries never drummed up. This is what happened to me Sept 7th 2019.
I titled this The Whole Truth because the series I originally wrote, I thought was over, but I was wrong. I write these events now, not for you, but solely for me. For those of you who are close to me; I have faked whatever joy I plastered on my face these past 3 months. With this post I intend to get my joy back; no matter what anyone thinks. My counselor said I have to find a way to get back, to heal and this is it. How many of you use writing for healing? Very effective.
On Sept 7th I laid in a hotel room bed the morning after celebrating our 10 year anniversary. My husband read the news out loud to me as it is his way. As he read, the words hit me like a truck. Abortion doctor dies; authorities find 2,246 medically preserved remains on his property. The doctor was a prolific figure in Indiana, performing tens of thousands “procedures” over his career dating back to the 70’s.
My husband stopped reading as we both realized the extent of what he was reading. At that point I was almost sure he could’ve performed the abortion I had almost 20 years ago. One of two abortions that I had; that I had such a hard time getting over. A hard time forgiving myself and letting go and moving on. Trusting in God’s love and forgiveness. Rising above shame and coming out on the other side victorious…..
That all flew out the window in seconds as the truth hit me.
In next few moments and up to the next day, I envisioned my life leading up to this point. That this moment was what it was all about. The pain I endured as a child. The pain I caused myself through my early adult years. All of it was for a time such as this. That God was going to use me as a voice on abortion. To show others that you can be forgiven. I envisioned that God was graciously granting me a way to right a wrong. (As if.)
But what I thought was God, was the work of the devil. We all know well that he comes to kill, steal and destroy.
I was going to call the county police that was at that time handling the case. But I wasn’t sure. I got advice from only a few who seemed to see it as I did. But I decided to ask God what He thought I should do. 24 hours after finding out the news and much wondering and doing the math, because the chances that one of them was mine was small when you saw it in the tens of thousands ranging over decades, I got my answer.
God said Timothy. Now I’m not one to lay in my bed asking God to speak to me all of the time, laying waiting for visions. Although I respect those who do; I’m not one to sit in a department store saying God do I buy the red one or the blue one? So when I say God said Timothy, I know He said Timothy.
What I found that spoke so clearly to was this…
1 Timothy 6:6-7
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
It was clear to me that God was saying I could lose my contentment in Chrsit and what He did for me on the cross. It was clear to me also that God had/has that child already in heaven with Him. And I held fast to that for several days. Besides, the chances of one of those bags of remains being medically preserved in formaldehyde being mine was so slim out of tens of thousands.
I spoke with my pastor and his wife on the matter. It was hard to do in itself because proclaiming to those who didn’t know you before Christ of your biggest regrets can be embarrassing and very hard to do. Especially when it comes to abortion. He was, of course, kind and considerate and showed me that Timothy is considered God’s love letter. That God loved me so much to give me scripture from His love letter spoke volumes. Problem was, deep down I was hoping my pastor would say, “That wasn’t God that gave you that scripture. God wants you to step forward and right this wrong.”
A week or so would go by and I would check the latest news nightly, checking for new developments. They announced that all of the remains were labeled from years 2000 to 2003. My abortion was done in 2001. The horror I felt. The anger cannot be described. The un-realness of it was something I can’t describe. The chances of one being mine were now raised considerably. Certainly I was to do something about it.
Coming from a childhood of trauma and on and off abandonment, I have to know what’s coming next. I have been taught to be okay with that. And those around me are going to have like it or leave it because it’s engrained in me. There were too many let downs. Too many sitting by the door waiting for a promise to be kept that just wasn’t honored. Time and time again. I like to call myself nosey as a way to make light of it, but in all actuality it’s just simple need of awareness. I gotta know.
So as these events unfolded, I just had to know. Just like you reading this, you just have to know. I don’t mean to hang you on a string, but yet again, remember this is for me, not the reader. So I say.
I’ve watched those around me not listen to the will of God in their lives. I’ve watched their lives crumble around their feet where they stood. I haven’t been in their heads hearing their reasons and excuses but I can conjure up a few. These examples were what kept nagging at me not to make that call. “Don’t call Amy, you don’t know the consequences,” was my internal dialogue. “But I’ve just gotta know. I’ve gotta do something. I can’t ignore that child after what I’ve already done to that child. I can give it a proper burial. I can show it and others that I’m not who I was. I can show God’s miraculous love through it all.” The words God gave me from His word were starting to fade away. I didn’t hold tight to them.
Thoughts of walking away and doing nothing plagued me daily. I became a little mad at God. I still served Him. Prayed to Him. Believed in Him. And above all feared Him; otherwise I would call.
But ‘why God?’ is a constant question followed by silence…
Are you contemplating abortion while reading this? Have the doctors presented you with a way out as not to prolong the unborn’s suffering? Can I tell you that there are effects from a decision like this that last a lifetime? Can I tell you that if you are human and have a heart, that some time in your life you’ll realize the decision you made was a detrimental one. A decision no human is equipped to make. No matter the political standing. No matter the medical standing. Life belongs to God and to God alone.
I’m sure those who support abortion as a woman’s choice were horrified over this man’s decision to store body parts. He was found to be a hoarder. The remains were found in his barn in 71 boxes stacked tall. Those who support abortion were most likely shaking their heads at the morbid actions of this so called doctor. They were even wagging their fingers when 165 more babies were found in the trunk of a car he had stored away at a local storage lot. But it’s a choice for a woman to abort their child. Isn’t that just as horrific?
Always what comes next when I think on these things is, “You made that choice. You did the most horrific thing. Who are you to judge?” This my friend is shame…at its finest. Shame likes to hang out with guilt, they go hand in hand. I learned this the first time I came to accept God’s forgiveness on the matter. It took prayer and a lot of hard work to get beyond that shame and allow God’s forgiveness to work in my heart and life. Now I found myself full circle, right back where it began. So you see my joy had been stolen. I worked for it. It was mine. And I allowed the devil to take it.
Well I’m taking it back! I’m going to stand on my faith in my God and His word given to me. I have to trust that He knows that….
1. I can’t right a wrong, only He can and He already did when He forgave me.
2. Only He knows if I would be strong enough to see the remains of an aborted child.
3. Ultimately that life is with Him along with the others that matter to me.
Poems I wrote during this trial:
A Higher Trust
Angel Babies(Written by Renee to help me…thanks Renee!)
Walking Wounded Part 1 (there won’t be a part 2)