My Story

pexels-photo-189349.jpegI was born on a Monday…lol. Ok we won’t go back that far. But I feel compelled to give you a bit of my story so you know me and where I’m coming from.

My childhood was not typical back in the 70s and 80s. I was moved around alot between both parents, grandparents, my Aunt, and even lived with the neighbors for a while. My mom was an alcoholic who would go on weeks long binges leaving my sister and I behind when it got too hard to drag us along. Sadly, that is a typical childhood for many children in these last days we live in. That is why I’m passionate about becoming the best mom I can be!

Sadly, that is a typical childhood for many children in these last days we live in.

My teen years slowed down to where I was able to go to the same high school all 4yrs. My teens is when the addictive behavior started with drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. I became pregnant at 19 and clueless. Lexi is my oldest at 23 yrs old now. Most of the time it felt like she was my sister rather than my daughter as I had alot of partying to do.

 

At age 26 and many years into addiction with marijuana now on top of the others. I became pregnant with identical twin girls. I cleaned up best I could except for them cigarettes. I lost both babies at 7 months pregnant, they had a disease in the womb that effects twins. Twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. It was hard and there will more on that in a later post.

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I know addiction all too well and the ugliness of it

That loss sent me into more addiction where I would now throw in occassional cocaine use and pain killers as well. By 33 I had 2 marriages, a long term relationship with 2 “step-sons” and now a every weekend cocaine habit and a daily addiction to vicodin or anything that would come close.

At that time I looked for help at a Methadone Clinic where they kept me higher there than on the streets. You pay them weekly and they give you your “dose” daily. It seemed like they weren’t interested in helping me, rather getting my money. That doesn’t mean I’m saying that there isn’t help out there, but for me there needed to be a in-patient detox/withdrawal program to really help me. But little did I know know that it’s at your rock bottom that God can shine brighter than ever!

I met my husband 4 days after stopping the methadone clinic. We would never seperate after that. He was into marijuana and alcohol. We moved out of town to the lake at my dad’s with Lexi. Getting away from the infuences and going somewhere where no one really knows you is helpful to quitting destructive addictive behavior. It’s not ideal for most, but God was blessing me even then. I became pregnant with my middle child, Abigail and found a church and church family that embraced me and didn’t judge me. God has been slowly growing me and changing me into what He sees fit. I’m totally grateful for it.

 

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Do You Yell?

bus-school-school-bus-yellow-159658.jpeg“I’m talking now, don’t interrupt your mother when she’s speaking!” Your kid is looking at you thinking “what’s going on?” Or maybe your spouse is thinking, “here we go again.” But you’re on a roll and there’s no stopping you. Your voice is becoming louder and louder. And you start to step outside of yourself and watch yourself just hollering away. You’ve flipped your lid is what my friend would say.

What makes us yell or as the polite people call it, raise our voice?  I’ve found the following reason as some of the reasons why…what are our thoughts??

  • Anger- good old fashioned anger
  • Because I saw my parents yell
  • I want somene to do something they’re refusing to do.
  • Poor or no sleep
  • Hunger!
  • Because the dog ran out of the house again and I’m not running through the neighborhood in my pj’s to catch him.

Yesterday morning I yelled getting my girls ready for school. The minute I saw the bus roll away with my babies (they’ll always be my babies) I had the thought to jump in my car and hunt that bus down and say “momma’s sorry for yelling” Here’s the good part! There’s always a BUT in a story for a good turnaround.

But, I asked God to forgive me first. I asked my girls to forgive me when they got home from school. And I tried harder the next morning. We got through the morning with no hollering mama! It’s in these small triumphs that we can find victory!

What makes you yell? How have you repaired a situation after you’ve yelled at someone?

 

Are You Living In The Past?

So, are you? Do you think of your past (which is anything up until this moment) with regret? With defeat? Dare I say, with shame? I did and still do at times. You’ve heard the old sayings. Don’t let the past define who you are today. But is it really that simple? Do these so called one-liners really help? I’ve been learning and using a technique that may help you. When you think back to a certain regret, can you see yourself? The younger you. Can you talk to her or him? What would you tell the younger you? Sure there’s always “don’t do it!” ” don’t get in that car” “don’t choose that job” or how about “Just say no!” But let’s say you go back and talk to the younger you whose already said yes to the job, the drug, or getting in the car. Can you comfort her? Can you say it’s ok, you just didn’t know. Or maybe even give the younger you a hug. Or maybe you could tell the younger you “I forgive you” Not forgiving ourselves, putting ourselves down, and even self hatred is a part of shame. I’ve had the revelation of shame revealed to me recently and it’s been freeing and I hope to share it with you. My musings won’t always be intense but they will always have an underlying helpful tone to them. Check out the song “Dear younger me” by Mercy Me.