Mom’s Memorial

Tomorrow will be the Memorial picnic we’ve planned for my mom. We will gather at our usual campground and spread her ashes out in the lake.

The ashes aren’t what you see in the movies. It’s not a powdery, soft, small amount. Her ashes weigh more than a bag of flour would weigh or right around there. And there’s about that amount in the bag. I know it’s morbid to some of you but to me it came as a big surprise.

Knowing how hard her death has been on my sister, I knew I had to show her Mom’s ashes before this day came. It was hard for her, but she thanked me for pushing her to see that before the moment comes…

Funny how grief works. Seems like with this final step coming up tomorrow, my heart hurts again. Grief comes flooding in and memories come rushing to the front of my mind, not only of her but of the other 2 close friends I lost this year.

I watched one of my shows just tonight and the main character says of her deceased friend…”He changed my life. Knowing him, changed who I am” I guess you could say my mother did that for me. But it would be more like knowing her forced me to want to rise above.

My other two mentors, knowing them changed me. Knowing them helped mold me into who I am today.

Tomorrow I’ll have to put in an extra effort to bury bitterness and resentment. It has snuck back up on me over these past weeks.

It seems as though most of us humans exalt the dead. When my mom passed away in March, I just knew this journey, this ride she has had me on all these years was coming to a much needed halt.

Halt: to bring or come to an unexpected end

But here I am again feeling the grief of her passing. I feel regret that I didn’t stay by her bedside while she died. I feel the anger of the circumstances of the nonexistant life insurance policy.

Today has come and gone. It went well. When we got in the pontoon I think many of us just didn’t know how we’d do what we needed to do. I forced myself to speak up and ask that we share a good memory of mom before we poured her ashes. We took a moment and it was nice. The sun was shining and she’s now in the water where she wanted to be.

Having her pass in March and waiting a few months to spread the ashes helped alot. So many times we lose a loved one and have them buried within a week of their passing. It’s done and over with before the loss has even sunk in. Today felt ok. I feel ok. The grief has passed and what I was feeling last night was grief and nerves, but I’m ok.

Warning…some pics show the ashes in the water. Stop scrolling here if you’d rather not see that.

We decided not to split the ashes but rather to keep the box that held them. We took a turn decorating it and my sister will keep it rather than the ashes.

My oldest walking the ashes down to the lake.

Taking a moment to stop and say a few nice things

Almost as if she’s flying underwater…

After we all left, my aunt sent me this from her fishing boat this evening…

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