Amy’s What in the World, World…

Hi all. I’m running out of titles for my Amy’s World posts…This one is fitting though.

I’m ok. I know many of you may be wondering, but really I’m ok. I’ve been waiting for the bottom to fall out over the loss of my mother, but it hasn’t. I’ve toyed with the idea of sharing these thoughts in my blog, but I’ve realized, when have I ever held back? And where does the healing come in if I hold back?

Ever wonder about someone in your family that has nothing? I mean, no job, no insurance, no life insurance, those kinds of things. What will come of them? Well this is where I found myself concerning my mother. She had a van but didn’t drive it. And it wasn’t in any shape to last. She rented and was on Medicare and disability. I’m not saying anything is wrong with these helps available. Don’t get me wrong.

She spoke often of a small life insurance package over the years prior to our not speaking. She would play this beneficiary game with my sister and I and others around her. Taking names on and off depending on how they were treating her. (Or so she said)

I felt bad for the man of the phone sitting in his office, typing in my mother’s info…he didn’t want to tell me that all of 30$ was left for her cremation. I was so angry to hear this. Not because I wanted any money for my pocket, but rather for the expenses it would cost.

What I’ve learned is this…having your wishes for DNR or otherwise put into place is a huge weight off your loved ones’ shoulders. Having a small policy together to cover costs of burial/cremation would really help.

It’s been 2 weeks and she has not been cremated. The mortuary where she is is nice and friendly on the phone. But there’s paperwork to be done. So they say. They helped me apply for her to be approved for a burial for the indigent. The county will pay for her cremation. My husband and I could pay, but it would take a dent out of what we have.

The advice I was given here was, this lack of life insurance was on her not you, Amy. That’s what I’m sticking with, telling myself this. So the process is slower. And I can’t demand they cremate her right this minute and ship me the ashes because it’s being done for free, so I will wait. In the waiting are some morbid thoughts, because I have this huge overactive imagination…I shove them to the side and simply say to God, I need her cremated so this can be over.

Honestly, it’s over. The fear of her showing up, the fear of her making another embarrassing phone call to start trouble is over. There is a relief that I haven’t ever felt. Not many of you can understand these words. But maybe some of you know someone who can. Do not judge them, it’s not an easy road.

My sister was close to mom. This loss has been hard on her. But for me? I’m good. I’m ok. Then I feel bad for being ok. Then it’s starts over again. Then I pray to God, I need her cremated. And so on.

Statistically, I should still be an addict, roaming around at night from bar to bar. Statistically, I should be smoking anything I can light and snorting anything I can sniff. Statistically, I should be manipulative and dishonest. Because that’s what I was shown. But ya know what? God takes the statistics and tosses them right out of the window when we surrender to Him. His will, His way.

I know the reason I had to be the one to make decisions for a woman who hurt me time and time again. The reason I had to drop everything, fly across the country and see a sight that is burned into the images of my brain when I saw her laying in that bed, hooked up to those machines. The reason is I’ll be made stronger.

How I wish I was stricken with grief over a mom who loved me unconditionally. I wish it hurt because then I’d know there was something there to miss, but there’s not. Sadly.

The one thought that remains, after I get the looping thoughts to subside, “She’s gone. There are no more chances to get it right for her.” The finality of death can be so overwhelming to us believers, can’t it? There’s no more chances to come to God. So many unbelievers, that refuse to serve God, automatically start talking about heaven and how their lost loved one is in heaven walking streets of gold and all is well. If only it were that easy, but it’s not. Coming to God, surrendering can be a very hard thing to do, but when you do it the love that fills you comes in so easily.

15 Replies to “Amy’s What in the World, World…”

  1. Such raw emotion here, Amy. Those emotions sometimes leave us feeling so naked and bare….But God….Only God can bring the healing. He understands, it was not your fault. None of it was your fault. You are loved my friend! 💜

    Liked by 5 people

  2. That surrender – that’s the key. You can rest in God’s arms, even knowing (or wondering) that your mom is not. Why? Because it’s all in God’s Hands, He loves you, and He does everything perfectly.
    It’s okay that you don’t miss her, that you feel relief. That’s pretty healthy. That’s resting in God’s arms. Feel His love, rest in the peace He gives you.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Thank you for sharing Amy, I can only imagine how difficult it all is. I join with Kathy and Renee’s encouragement to rest in God and know that you are loved. Holding you and yours up in prayer. Blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m crying reading this post. I’m crying for you and I’m crying for all those who assume Heaven is their destiny when it might not be at all and for those who have died who never surrendered their lives to Christ but who held on to their own flesh to the bitter end. I’m crying, too, for all those who have been hurt by those who were supposed to love us and to care for us but who didn’t, and for the scars that left on their lives, and for the pain they go through, and I pray they find peace and forgiveness and healing and that they don’t hurt anymore.

    For me, true peace came when I could accept God’s absolute sovereignty over my life and I could accept that nothing comes into my life but what he allows and he will bring good out of it, if I will let him, if I will surrender to him. And that is what I choose, to surrender and to let God do what he has planned for my life.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Amy, thank you so much. All glory to God! I didn’t know you were back blogging, so I was happy to see you when you liked one of my blog posts. I am glad that what I shared with you encouraged your heart. I praise the Lord. Praying for you.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. God’s peace, my sister! I can relate, to how a death can impact a heart, depending on the relationship. Not sure if you saw, one of my resent post; “In Our Heart!” Where I shared, the resent loss of my daughter. God’s love, the only way a heart moves forward! Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

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