Hi all. I’m running out of titles for my Amy’s World posts…This one is fitting though.
I’m ok. I know many of you may be wondering, but really I’m ok. I’ve been waiting for the bottom to fall out over the loss of my mother, but it hasn’t. I’ve toyed with the idea of sharing these thoughts in my blog, but I’ve realized, when have I ever held back? And where does the healing come in if I hold back?
Ever wonder about someone in your family that has nothing? I mean, no job, no insurance, no life insurance, those kinds of things. What will come of them? Well this is where I found myself concerning my mother. She had a van but didn’t drive it. And it wasn’t in any shape to last. She rented and was on Medicare and disability. I’m not saying anything is wrong with these helps available. Don’t get me wrong.
She spoke often of a small life insurance package over the years prior to our not speaking. She would play this beneficiary game with my sister and I and others around her. Taking names on and off depending on how they were treating her. (Or so she said)
I felt bad for the man of the phone sitting in his office, typing in my mother’s info…he didn’t want to tell me that all of 30$ was left for her cremation. I was so angry to hear this. Not because I wanted any money for my pocket, but rather for the expenses it would cost.
What I’ve learned is this…having your wishes for DNR or otherwise put into place is a huge weight off your loved ones’ shoulders. Having a small policy together to cover costs of burial/cremation would really help.
It’s been 2 weeks and she has not been cremated. The mortuary where she is is nice and friendly on the phone. But there’s paperwork to be done. So they say. They helped me apply for her to be approved for a burial for the indigent. The county will pay for her cremation. My husband and I could pay, but it would take a dent out of what we have.
The advice I was given here was, this lack of life insurance was on her not you, Amy. That’s what I’m sticking with, telling myself this. So the process is slower. And I can’t demand they cremate her right this minute and ship me the ashes because it’s being done for free, so I will wait. In the waiting are some morbid thoughts, because I have this huge overactive imagination…I shove them to the side and simply say to God, I need her cremated so this can be over.
Honestly, it’s over. The fear of her showing up, the fear of her making another embarrassing phone call to start trouble is over. There is a relief that I haven’t ever felt. Not many of you can understand these words. But maybe some of you know someone who can. Do not judge them, it’s not an easy road.
My sister was close to mom. This loss has been hard on her. But for me? I’m good. I’m ok. Then I feel bad for being ok. Then it’s starts over again. Then I pray to God, I need her cremated. And so on.
Statistically, I should still be an addict, roaming around at night from bar to bar. Statistically, I should be smoking anything I can light and snorting anything I can sniff. Statistically, I should be manipulative and dishonest. Because that’s what I was shown. But ya know what? God takes the statistics and tosses them right out of the window when we surrender to Him. His will, His way.
I know the reason I had to be the one to make decisions for a woman who hurt me time and time again. The reason I had to drop everything, fly across the country and see a sight that is burned into the images of my brain when I saw her laying in that bed, hooked up to those machines. The reason is I’ll be made stronger.
How I wish I was stricken with grief over a mom who loved me unconditionally. I wish it hurt because then I’d know there was something there to miss, but there’s not. Sadly.
The one thought that remains, after I get the looping thoughts to subside, “She’s gone. There are no more chances to get it right for her.” The finality of death can be so overwhelming to us believers, can’t it? There’s no more chances to come to God. So many unbelievers, that refuse to serve God, automatically start talking about heaven and how their lost loved one is in heaven walking streets of gold and all is well. If only it were that easy, but it’s not. Coming to God, surrendering can be a very hard thing to do, but when you do it the love that fills you comes in so easily.