Have you ever had to be the one to sign papers that decided the course of a life? I know, I know. I helped her stop suffering, but there’s a piece of me that says, “What did you just do?” Then I remember if I hadn’t, some stranger would have had to do it after the courts decided. So she had an advocate, family to represent her.
God is so completely amazing. He showed up today in the people again! I got a good night’s sleep. Mike’s aunt and uncle left in the morning and we had the morning to cook a little breakfast, shower and do some laundry. When I travel, it’s just such a relieving feeling to do some domestic chores. Makes ya feel human I guess.
Hospice called me and I spoke with a wonderful woman named Becky. She is 68 yrs old and seemed like a woman I knew my whole life. She wanted to know the dynamics of my relationship with my mom and mom’s past history. As I told her, I could hear her tears. She tried to hide it, but I could tell she was touched by the hole I climbed out of. But rest assured I gave God the glory.
When she took my address, she told me she knew exactly where I lived because she too was born and raised in Indiana! I knew it. God again. I wonder if He chuckles each time He does this. If His voice is like roaring many waters, I wonder if a chuckle is like waves lapping at a shore. Anyways, forgive my over active imagination.
Next step was to print, sign, and email/fax the DNR and the withdrawal of life support papers. Mind you, we are at the mercy of mike’s aunt and uncle to drive us anywhere. I just didn’t know what I would do. It’s Saturday, banks were closing, library was closing and I have no way to drive myself anywhere. I didn’t want to insist. Mike’s aunt said, there’s a lady here in the community that faxed something for me. Let’s go over to her trailer.
FYI, now I see why people retire and come down to Florida. They have communities just for them. So we walked over and knocked on her door. Beautiful home right smack dab on the shore of the lake here. I explained what I needed to do and why, trying not to ball all over the place. She printed the papers and I sat in her screened in porch and went over the papers line by line. All the while I could hear that lapping of the water hitting her shore about 20ft from her back door. She took the papers and scanned them. We stood over her in her beautiful bedroom while she was emailing and taking meticulous care in her task. Her husband walked in the room. I was introduced as the niece from Indiana. He says, “Really? What part of Indiana. I tell him and he says, “Oh I’m from Fort Wayne, Indiana.” I say, “That’s the airport we will fly into tomorrow.” Do you hear God chuckling again? By this time, I’m getting to place where I see I’m part of His plan, not the other way around.
Once the papers were sent back, we were taken to dinner by our hosts. We went to a huge buffet and had a nice time. During this time I was able to eat and have nice conversation. It was like a recharge. I watched the clock because I knew I’d be facing the call of hospice notifying me of the vent removal.
We drove over to a beautiful lake where the seaplanes land and take off. Just as we pulled in, I got the call. This was real and I panicked. My heart raced. I sat at a nearby picnic table as she told me they would remove it in the next 10 minutes. As she talked to me, my mind was going in and out of listening to what she said. All of that talk of doing the right thing, of honoring my mother, and easing her of suffering went out the windows of my mind. I wanted to scream NO! STOP! But I didn’t. There were people around me walking dogs and sitting on benches watching the water, all the while I’m at a table in a foreign place. I just wanted to run to my bed and curl up and have a good cry. Instead I had to end the call, get up from that table and go join my party as they patiently waited for me.
We walked to a pier and I looked at the 3 of them and said, “Am I doing the right thing?” It was a hard question to ask them and really not fair to put them in that position. But they were kind. They shared their experiences similar to mine this helped me so much. Then we went along the pier watching the planes.
We walked back to their truck. They said they’d like to take us to one other lake nearby where they recently seen an alligator. I wanted to yell NO, I NEED TO GO WALLOW IN MY GRIEF AND SADNESS. But I kept quiet. And I’m glad I did. Or I wouldn’t have this to remind me of this day. The day the little girl in me was laid to rest as the adult me would now have no chance of amends with my mother.
An image like this makes one think that maybe heaven has some fire in it too. A different fire. Like the fire you get in your belly when you are overwhelmed at the vastness of God’s love and beauty.
Getting that call at the first lake and getting to see a spectacular view as this, were not happenstance, it was a design of God’s provision.
Tonight or in the morning I will get that final call. My mom will be gone forever. All the hurt and pain will be something that happened to me then and I will be in the now of my future. There are good memories here and there of her. And I truly believe that my heart will find it’s way to a completion of forgiveness. When that soon happens, there will be a love left for her and I will continue on.
I so appreciate every one of you, from my followers who read my stuff regularly, to my church family and my mother in law who gives of herself to me daily. Here’s some pics of the things I’ve seen.