Florida Day 2

I walked in and saw her lying there. Her eyes were open and if I stood in the right spot, she was looking at me….kinda. My heart became so conflicted. Hey wait, I thought she was unresponsive! A fear came over me.

Isn’t it funny that when you strip anger away you usually find the real source of your feelings and emotions. I’ve been angry with her all of my life. When the anger was gone, there was fear. And still is.

The nurses began to explain to me what I was seeing. And before I knew it we were talking of comfort measures vs trake and feeding tube in a long term facility….all the while she’s laying right there. I wasn’t sure if she could hear me. I asked if we could step out of the room.

At this point, I had to explain the dynamics of my relationship. Here’s this daughter that just shows up out of no where. Who’s name is nowhere on her charts (mom was a frequent flyer at their hospital) I’m the youngest who shows up in tears who doesn’t know much about her mother’s health.

As I explained the past and my decision to not communicate with my mom, the caseworker starts to nod in understanding. She seems to know the woman I’m describing and the pain caused to me by her. She looks at me and says, “I know your mom all too well. She’s a master manipulator.” This statement helps at the same time it hurts.

While this is going on, her nurse looks to me in disbelief and says…I understand you. I will be in your shoes soon someday. Your mom is the very same as my mom! I will have to make this decision one day and if you can do this, it shows me I can do it. I kid you not, these were her words. Boom, there was God again! He’s showing up in the people. And it makes me feel absolutely overwhelmingly loved. He’s showing me His love trump’s all love. Even the love a mother should have for her child. His love is better than that. His love fills that hole and it overflows the empty spaces of my heart.

We found that we had many things in common. She seemed so astounded. And although she helped me today and is helping tonight as she writing up paperwork for hospice, I think I helped her too! Just by showing up today. That when her time comes, she will show up too.

As of now, I’m laying in a cozy bed at my husband’s family that stays down here in Florida. They made us a hot meal and shared their experiences of the loss of their parents. His aunt and I prayed. And once again we are in a place where God is using people to care for us. He’s just so super cool.

Things are in the air as to when the vent comes off. And there’s no time table as to how long she will last.

We have her diary and I could only read some. She mentions me in there in a lovingly way, which is surprising to me. There will be some reckoning to do in that area, but today I’ll let God just keep handling things until I’m strong enough to read it.

I’m grateful for the outlet I have to write out feelings. I’m grateful for your prayers too. Your prayers have brought these people along in the right time


31 Replies to “Florida Day 2”

  1. I have goosebumps all over, Amy! God is so wonderful! Just when we think he’s wonderful He gets more wonderful!
    (I’m glad you stepped out-when I was going through my CNA classes one of the first things we learned was that hearing goes last-so maybe you can talk to your mom -when you’re ready 🙏🏻❤️-I’ll pray about that for you, too!)
    (((((((((( ❤️ ))))))))))

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Beth is right, I learned this in nursing school, that hearing is the last sense to go. Not only that, I personally experienced this very thing once, when I was 34 years old and I fell unconscious due to an accident. I could not move, could not speak, could not see, and could not feel anything. But I clearly heard every word that was being said around me.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. I want to share a little of my testimony with you. Because what you’re going through is kind of like what I went through a while back.

    My aunt and uncle received everything from an inheritance I was supposed to get when my parents died. (It’s a bit of a long story) but, they got everything and my cousin moved into the house I grew in and I basically inherited the road.

    One morning, going to work, the Lord laid on my heart to get a hold of them. I SERIOUSLY did not want to. But I prayed about it and I felt it was definitely the Lord’s will.

    So, I called. I finally got a hold of them. They both seemed shocked. But we talked for a little while. I even invited them to my church. Nothing special came of it, from what I can tell. But knowing that I did what the Lord asked of me to do was a fulfilling feeling.

    I’m not sure if they’re still around. I heard from them only a couple times since then. I dont know what happened on their end. But for me, I did what I could.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Going back and reading what you shared makes me see that God was asking you to forgive. He was asking you to show them that they may have obtained what was yours, they didn’t take away your heart for God. You got the ultimate inheritance up yonder!

      Liked by 5 people

  3. Amy, I know this was so hard for you in every way possible. Forgiveness is a strange thing. It replaces the anger with other things, one step at a time. All pointing to healing. The scars will always be left from the wounds we bore. I pray that God’s perfect love casts out all fear.
    Isn’t God amazing? That nurse needed you, and you needed her. Both in the right place, at just the right time—God’s perfect timing. I will be praying when you get to read your mom’s diary, you will find some answers and more healing. Love ya, my friend! 💜🙏🏼

    Liked by 5 people

  4. Such a brave and courageous thing that you are doing, Amy, and I’m so glad that God is looking after you right now. I know He will give you all the strength and compassion, followed by peace, that you need. xx

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I am blessed to read how God is cradling you through this, and that He’s giving you eyes to see it, and a grateful heart for all He does. Yes, He is that wonderful and amazing!
    This is tough stuff, Amy. God is doing great things through you.
    Blessings and prayers…

    Liked by 3 people

  6. What a tough time. Im glad there were people there who understood how you felt. Im sure that aside from the fear you also had feelings of all that never was between y’all due to her toxic behavior. I hope her diary brings some kind of healing or closure. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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