I walked in and saw her lying there. Her eyes were open and if I stood in the right spot, she was looking at me….kinda. My heart became so conflicted. Hey wait, I thought she was unresponsive! A fear came over me.
Isn’t it funny that when you strip anger away you usually find the real source of your feelings and emotions. I’ve been angry with her all of my life. When the anger was gone, there was fear. And still is.
The nurses began to explain to me what I was seeing. And before I knew it we were talking of comfort measures vs trake and feeding tube in a long term facility….all the while she’s laying right there. I wasn’t sure if she could hear me. I asked if we could step out of the room.
At this point, I had to explain the dynamics of my relationship. Here’s this daughter that just shows up out of no where. Who’s name is nowhere on her charts (mom was a frequent flyer at their hospital) I’m the youngest who shows up in tears who doesn’t know much about her mother’s health.
As I explained the past and my decision to not communicate with my mom, the caseworker starts to nod in understanding. She seems to know the woman I’m describing and the pain caused to me by her. She looks at me and says, “I know your mom all too well. She’s a master manipulator.” This statement helps at the same time it hurts.
While this is going on, her nurse looks to me in disbelief and says…I understand you. I will be in your shoes soon someday. Your mom is the very same as my mom! I will have to make this decision one day and if you can do this, it shows me I can do it. I kid you not, these were her words. Boom, there was God again! He’s showing up in the people. And it makes me feel absolutely overwhelmingly loved. He’s showing me His love trump’s all love. Even the love a mother should have for her child. His love is better than that. His love fills that hole and it overflows the empty spaces of my heart.
We found that we had many things in common. She seemed so astounded. And although she helped me today and is helping tonight as she writing up paperwork for hospice, I think I helped her too! Just by showing up today. That when her time comes, she will show up too.
As of now, I’m laying in a cozy bed at my husband’s family that stays down here in Florida. They made us a hot meal and shared their experiences of the loss of their parents. His aunt and I prayed. And once again we are in a place where God is using people to care for us. He’s just so super cool.
Things are in the air as to when the vent comes off. And there’s no time table as to how long she will last.
We have her diary and I could only read some. She mentions me in there in a lovingly way, which is surprising to me. There will be some reckoning to do in that area, but today I’ll let God just keep handling things until I’m strong enough to read it.
I’m grateful for the outlet I have to write out feelings. I’m grateful for your prayers too. Your prayers have brought these people along in the right time