If….

my story, my testimonies could help just one person. Is all I ask. I recently encouraged a fellow blogger who was feeling like he wasn’t getting through, connecting with others. He posted a scripture that helped me when I needed to hear it. I told him he helped, he got through to one person via the Word of God.

I’ve shared openly on this blog about my losses, my pains. I’ve shared past experiences and I’ve shared my shame-filled mistakes. I’ve done this because writing heals. It can heal others but more importantly it can heal me. My newest trial brings me back to share again

I live in Indiana, this time tomorrow I’ll be in Florida. My mother is unresponsive and on a ventilator. She suffered a heart attack on this past Friday and the drs are sure that her brain was deprived of oxygen leading her to brain death.

I have not spoken to my mother in about 4 years. I have not seen her in about 8 years. She was a very toxic, harmful person with her actions and the choices she made. In her younger years before her health took it’s nasty toll, she would call and say she swallow ed a bunch of pills. Most of the time she did, but I have to think the amount was less than what she described.

Many nights in my 20’s and 30’s I had times that I would go to bed wondering if it was her last day on Earth. The most infuriating part of this is that when she would finally answer the phone, she would blow it off. She once wouldn’t answer my calls the next morning after she had said she overdosed, but when I called and blocked my number, she answered. That was the last time I allowed her to do that to me. There was another time where we waited all night, my sister and I, and come morning we went to where she was staying and banged on the doors and windows. I remember the feeling of fear of just what would we find. What we found was her passed out from too much alcohol and drugs. She looked at us in bewilderment and then she answered in an irritated manner that she was ok and to let her sleep.

I grew up on deathwatch concerning her. I could never go into great detail before because I ran the risk of her reading my blog.

I don’t know what compels me to go see her before she dies. Or what compels me to cry and mourn as I have these past few days. I mourned her years ago. And I always figure when this time came…I’d be ok. But I’m not. It hurts.

Where the helping others comes in…

The answer to what compels me to see her is that the Bible says to honor thy mother and father that your days may be long. I am going to show up there to honor her. I know this to be the right thing to do because my daily bible reading took me right to the 10 commandments.

This time there’s no longer crying wolf. She can no longer hurt me. And I now have the chance to say whatever I wanted to say all these years without any hurtful responses or retaliations from her.

If I can walk into that room on Friday morning, then you my dear reader, are capable of doing what scares you the most. The strength comes from God. For without Him I would cower away from seeing her. Without Him, I wouldn’t be brave enough to go in there and demand the closure I need.

The strength to do this comes from God. Please keep my husband and me in your prayers. This is unchartered waters for us. I will try to write what happens as I go, if Im able