Total Eclipse

I am my mother’s daughter, they say.

Do they know what an insult they throw my way?

Looking in the mirror to see her, brings a disgust.

From so many years of lies and mistrust.

Never caring to know me or what I think.

Caused me to digress and shrink…

into a pit of self loathing and shame.

I cringe and seethe at the mention of her name.

She made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

Looked at me in my lowest and said…”tough”

“What about me” is all that came from her lips.

In her shadow I lived in the eclipse.

It amazes me, no apology still to this day.

For all the times she just simply walked away.

Why don’t I matter? Why doesn’t she see?

That all I wanted was for her to be my mommy.

Forty-four years later my daily prayer I plead.

“Lord, show me how to be a mom, how to succeed.”

No example and a broken heart

Make it hard to know where to even start.

His answer is daily always the same;

“Child forgive her and I’ll take care of what remains.”

One day I hope to say I’ve forgiven my mother,

But truth be known, she’s hurt me like none other.

I was shown I need to write from the depths of pain and anger created by those who were to love me. I pray it helps me to heal. I’m posting these in this series in the hopes of helping others alongside of helping myself. Pardon me if they are a bit darker or angry than what I usually write. The desperation for final change takes precedence here.

53 Replies to “Total Eclipse”

      1. You are very welcome. Thank you for asking I was debating if do an update post on it. It was my Godma, it went ok. They said she had a stroke so had blood on the brain. The poem shared tonight made me think of her as the strong woman who inspired me. Sorry for the long reply. Hope all is well 🙂 God Bless

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Just beautiful!!❤

    Can you write a poem about a girl finding out her dad has cancer and then include my testimony some how? If you can’t that’s fine. I was just wondering… April 25 my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it’s been hard, on top of everything else.

    Did Jen come to church? I prayed for her!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. BUT GOD, yes! I have a similar story to yours. Also involving my mum who is now with the Lord. Our Father did an amazing work in my life and changed my relationship with my mum. It was hard, there was pain and tears, I had to forgive, BUT GOD did it. Never lose hope Amy. ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ❤️🙏🏻
    I had to forgive my mom too… the Good Lord has taught me that He forgave me- I have no right to not forgive her ❤️ It took time but now that I have she is grateful to God and we have a blessed relationship NEVER EVER looking back 💕
    Maybe it is different because your mom doesn’t seem to care- but that’s hard for me to believe- that’s just me- maybe she has felt unloved herself- maybe she needs to be shown the love of God through you?
    Love you, Sis!
    P.D. I’m not judging you- I hope you know that ❤️As a sister in Jesus I just want you and her to have peace 😘

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Nah it’s fine. I put this post out there knowing there would be comments, support and love from the blogging community. Unfortunately, with my mom it will be a one ended deal as she’s mentally unstable. I’ve tried to show her the love of Christ just in the last few years. But I got back the same manipulative “stuff” she has always handed out. Hurtful stuff. Fake suicide attempts. A person can only go through that once but to have gone through it several upon several times, takes a toll on your patience and attitude. I no longer can speak to her or take her phone calls. She is now in a position where her health keeps her from causing so much trouble. My prayer for her is that the Lord would send her a nurse who knows the truth before it’s too late for her.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Did we have the same mother? I have learned to forgive though. In her mind, I think she thought she was doing and saying the right thing, at least some of the time. But her mother was my ‘mommy.’

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for opening your heart on this subject. For me it was my father. He was a sarcastic fellow who made my sister feel unworthy and unimportant. It took me until I was well into my forties before I could forgive him. When I finally did, the burden was lifted and I actually realized that he was doing the best he could as a parent. He had a terrible self image and this is how he dealt with it. In fact when I did forgive him, I realized that his actions and words acted as a stimulus to create strong, independent women. He died at the age of 61

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s amazing how even though our experiences as human beings can be different, they can also be so similar at the same time. I’m thankful that God is able to fill the gaps where we might be let down by those closest to us. Sometimes it’s not till after they have past on that we see them in a different light. We get a closer look at the hurt and pain they were suffering and didn’t know how to get relief from it. Just keep giving it to God, He hears all and sees all.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yay!!!! I’m so excited! What a blessing that will be! I know it will be challenging at times, but when you look back, at the end of your life, you will be so glad you shared these moments with them. There is no greater gift than sharing our faith and our time. You will be doing both!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes! I just finished ordering the curriculum for my will be 4th grader through abeka. My will be 1st grader will do some summer school with me to catch up. She us still struggling behind. But what versatility we have now to better hone in the areas she struggles with! I feel God in every step of this decision process.

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  6. Don’t apologize for being real Amy. This is part of your journey to being healed. You need to be dark and honest at times…because you never who God will send to read this post. God wants our honesty so he can heal others through it!

    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

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