Fragments of a Broken Childhood: Final Conclusion

After writing Lesson 2 of this series, I’ve come to terms that the rest (besides this post) of my childhood struggles are going to stay in the past. I could write about the numerous suicide attempts I’ve witnessed with my mother. I could write what it was like being a changing girl to woman without a woman to guide her. I could tell you about numerous schools, always being the new girl. I could tell you how living everywhere and nowhere is confusing. How it can damage a child to never call anywhere a home. But unexpectedly within two articles of writing, and a few other interventions in counseling, something has just settled down deep in my soul. It’s time to lay it down and let it go. That yes, I did indeed have a messed up childhood but it no longer is something to be ashamed of. Also, I don’t desire that validation of how bad it really was anymore. It’s done. Time to make sure my daughters don’t go through anything remotely close to what I experienced. I can’t protect them from that without stepping away from the past and into the present.

The last fragment to share is my 9th birthday. I’m not for certain if it was ninth or any other age, but I stick with 9th when remembering or telling others.

I can tell you this happened on a Sunday. I was with my grandparents over the weekend. They dropped my sister and me off at home. At that time we were living with our mom in the same trailer park, different trailer. We arrived to a full blown party. Keg in the bathtub kind of party. My first memory after a feeling of disappointment, was sitting on the couch opening a card from my mom with a 5 dollar bill in it.

Earlier that day, was my birthday party that my grandmother threw for me. My mother didn’t come. Honestly I don’t remember her at any of the parties that were ever for me.

So here was my party from her to me, I guess. Just what every 9 year old wants. A kegger and a 5 dollar bill. Back then though 5 dollars was alot unlike these days you have to stuff a card with a 20 to get a smile out of a child.

The next memory is my sister climbing out the back window and leaving me there. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to leave because that meant leaving that coveted money behind. She rode her bike to another kid’s trailer, called my grandparents and they drove back to get her.

The next memory of that day was at night because it was dark. My birthday is August 12th so that means this memory had to occur around 10pm. I am sitting in my dad’s car in front of the trailer. He must’ve come to see me on my birthday. Meaning he didn’t go to the party grandma had for me either. I remember begging him to take me with him. At this time he lives with his parents as he’s a  divorced, single man. I believe he was saying yes he would take me because I remember hope. But…the next memory is my mother climbing on the hood of his car banging on the windshield. “You take her and I’ll come throw bricks through your parent’s windows!” And I’m sure she had some really good french to go along with it. I remember saying over and over again “Just drive dad, just drive.” It feels like that moment of her banging on the side of the car, the driver’s window and even on the hood, went on for ever.

He didn’t take me with him. Sadly, he believed that she would throw bricks through their windows. I remember the feeling of, “I almost got out of here.” I remember the feeling of, “I should have went out the window with my sister.”

The last memory of that day, my birthday, was being in the backseat with another girl who was younger than me. My mother and another woman were in the front seat. It was dark out and hot. They had both front windows down. I remember they were yelling at other cars, hanging out the windows and even lifting up their shirts at oncoming traffic. We were going to the state line because alcohol could not be sold in our state on Sunday.

Those are the only memories I have in my mind. But as time wore on over the years I would have many questions. Why wasn’t my dad at my party? Because he wasn’t invited. Why wasn’t my mother there? Because she had company, I guess. (That’s me being a smart-mouth if you didn’t catch it) Why didn’t my grandparents come get me too? I’ll never know. Why didn’t my dad “just drive”? Because she scared him.

Along the years I would realize that was the day that they all somewhat betrayed me. I know it sounds a bit overboard. But in reality it’s true that no one had my well being in mind. And as the years would go on even to this very year, she has somehow ruined my birthday in some way. But this past Aug 12th-sitting in the car after asking my husband to give me a minute to put myself together before walking into his mom’s for dinner she made me…I listened to myself. I had just been hurt again by my mother’s words and the lack of Happy Birthday, I heard myself say, “You dont matter. You don’t matter to her, you never have.” I dried my eyes, got out of the car and put on a fake smile and walked in the door of my mother in law’s where she had put on my favorite meal.

Then that evening, my father came for a visit and forgot it was my birthday. I ended up, as usual, helping him feel better about it. I really felt insignificant by that night. And the mental talk then was…”You’re 44years olds now who cares if neither parent cares about your birthday? You’re no longer a child.” I’ve come to terms that never having that feeling of being cherished from them is just the way it will be.

I can tell you that I had a breakthrough in counseling that week. And that yes indeed, I do matter. I matter to my husband…he told me so that very night. I matter to my children and I matter to my mother in law. And that’s plenty. More than some can say. I’m done with their rejection. It doesnt have to hurt me any longer.

My middle daughter, the one who saved my life unbeknownst to her, had her 9th birthday this weekend. I decided to give her what the little girl that I was would have wanted. I dont believe I spoiled her, but I did go overboard a bit.

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It felt wonderful to see the delight and excitement on her face throughout the whole thing. She was allowed friends over. We did  a couple painting crafts and we weaved friendship bracelets. I tried to be with her every step of the way that day to let her have a memory of a wonderful 9th birthday.

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I am blessed beyond all measure to have what I have. My counselor reminds me often that, considering the circumstances that I was raised in and the addiction I went through…statistically I should still be an addict and worse off because of how it all went down for me….But my God had other plans for me!

One day I will share my childhood memories and my mistakes during the addiction years with my daughters. Until then I put the past in the past and move on to the present so that I can give them a past of cherished memories.

Here are a few more birthday pics and pics from a local festival we went to the next day.

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They made a letter A for Abigail!

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48 Replies to “Fragments of a Broken Childhood: Final Conclusion”

  1. Praise God He made you an overcomer. So many get consumed. You have a broken past but God is making you whole!

    I find some things hard to let go because they have impacted my life. And not in a good way… your childhood is the foundation of your life, it’s where one develops so many things that affect your life. Yes, we grow up and better ourselves. But some of those scars from the past are not easily removed.

    Liked by 3 people

          1. My childhood was like solitary confinement. All I really knew were my parents and the 4 walls of my room. I tried to get out in the woods, which was my escape but my mom was very protective, people messed around in our woods. It’s a long story. But when my parents died, I went from that solitary confinement to completely out in the open in the wide world. I freaked out. And little to no help from my family… I truly thank the Lord that He was with me. So many stupid things I got into. I, kind of like you, went from craziness to a blessed life given by the Lord. I still feel like I’m healing and still hurting from my past. But I want my future to be the best yet to come.

            Liked by 4 people

            1. I remember a saint in our church standing up to testify recently that she had just figured out that she had been living for the lord longer than she was in the world. She was saved at 25 or so. I think I’ve got 10 years saved and 35 in the world. Alot of the old world thinking still goes on in my mind. Some can say hallelujah when they smack their thumb. I on the other hand cannot…yet! Lol. But there’s grace for room for growth.

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  2. Thank you for the birthday party pics, Amy! I absolutely love the giggly-grin on her face! Look what God is doing through you. ❤
    I read ‘peace’ between the lines of your first paragraph: letting it go, understanding the limitations of your mom and dad, accepting that this was the way you were raised, knowing you can change your perspective on it, learning from your Heavenly Father of His grace. And the help from your counselor. I love it! God bless you.

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  3. I am so happy for you and where you are right now!

    My dad was never at my birthday parties. And it hurt…for a while, then I just got used to it. But I’m always there for kids birthdays and everything else I can possible attend.

    You have broken the cycle Amy, by the grace of God. Make those wonderful memories with the kiddos ❤ Such beautiful pictures of laughter, joy and love.

    Liked by 8 people

    1. That’s it, Stu. She has broken the cycle. Yes, Amy, you have, and that’s the greatest victory every, for all the mess to end with you. Your generations will never forget you for being the forerunner for victory in their lives. Congratulations!

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  4. Amy, when I read about your childhood I feel it inside my own heart. Mine was not the same as yours, but just as painful. I had lots of struggles, too. And my healing came in many stages over many years.

    The big turning point came for me when I realized I needed to forgive Jesus. He had done me no wrong, but by some of my reactions to my painful experiences it said that I was angry with God, with Jesus, for not protecting me.

    So, I forgave him, and I accepted his sovereignty over my life, and that is when the real freedom came. But, I have to keep trusting in his sovereignty or I could give way to fear again.

    Bravo to you that you are now putting the past behind you and that you are building a better future for your children than what you had. Keep staying strong and keep fighting the enemy and keep loving others with God’s love. You are making a difference! Love you!

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Amy, you and the others who have overcome such hurt and sorrow from childhood are in my heart. I ache with you at the memories. I am amazed at the way you have yielded your life to God so that He could reshape your present and future. I thank God for sending loving Christians into your life, your husband, your mother-in-law and now your sweet children. May you treasure these gifts all the more. May you continue to see God loving you in ways big and small. Bless you for your ministry of hope!

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  6. Happy birthday to your daughter 💕. I have no words for your pain but love that you have chosen to be the parent you wish your parents weren’t. You are courageous, brave, beautiful and loved by the Almighty! Sending you hugs and love 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  7. 1) sending you hugs!
    2) couldn’t even count the times when I have nurtured the child in me by doing for my children what wasn’t done for me. Good for you for letting go have your past, and good for you for doing for your daughter what should have been done for you. I have no doubt that God is bringing greater and deeper healing into your life through your daughter because he did that in my life through mine.
    3) like you I am wrapping up my storytelling of the past and now just look forward to sharing what I have learned from it and but God is teaching me now.
    4) did I say I’m sending you hugs? Well now I’m sending you more ♥️♥️♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Miss Hope. You are a true inspiration. What may have looked like me imitating you, was actually more of me being mentored by your writing and truth telling of healing and freedom. Yes time to to pay it forward not only to my children but to anyone in need of help

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      1. Goodness sakes, sweetie! I never thought you were being anything but your true, authentic and beautiful God-pursuing self!!! ♥️. We all have stories of one kind or another, and it takes bravery to openly share the intimacy of your story so that others can see the hand of God in it. You did that! And I am so proud of you for it! I’m also proud of you for recognizing when it’s time to close the chapter and move on. Sadly, not everyone is able to do that … Close the old chapter and move on to the new one. But you have, you are … And in doing so you are once again being a lifeline (an example of what is possible) two others who are watching you. I sure hope we get to meet someday! Until then hugs and kisses from your New England sister. ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Awe thanks! Can’t wait to see your picture! I would love to meet you one day too. My oldest and middle daughters love drawing and painting. I hope they continue to keep doing it as a way to Express themselves throughout their lives.

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  8. It looks like you not only gave her things (which can be nice, but not everything) but more than that, what I really feel was in your heart, you gave her experiences and memories to cherish. No one will take those from her. ❤ Praise the Lord for the power and way He can heal us. I'm going to share this for the community spotlight for Inside Cup. I hope it encourages others 🙂

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  9. I’ve been quite a bit behind on my reading lately…glad I found this one. You are an amazing mom and I’m sure your daughter will have wonderful memories of all the special moments, days and times you spend with her. I feel your pain lifting as you create memories with your own children…and put away the past. It is helping me to hear your stories and others too. It’s helping me to work through my own painful memories. Thank you for sharing. Praise God that He has you on a new path and you know the love of the Savior…Praise God that He is with you and now you can rise above your hurt and pain and give Him all the glory!

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    1. Thanks Jackie. I’m glad you’re able to use my writings to help. I’ve been thinking alot about your mom in the er with you as she was praying to her dead friends. I can imagine the frustration you had to have had. I hope she’s doing better and I hope you’ve gotten a peace about what you’ll do as far as going or staying.

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      1. Thanks Amy. She is home now and doing much better. I’m still concerned for her physical health and I’ll always be concerned for her spiritual health but I see now that I am just called to pray for her. I love her but I don’t know if I can continue to live with her. God knows…and I’m praying. I’m still not sure what I’ll do. I came here knowing she needed help and I did as well. I thought I’d start making enough money that I could save some and help her financially too. It’s much cheaper to live here. But that hasn’t worked out so well. So now it’s time for me to make some changes. I’ve got a job interview on Wednesday. My current career change isn’t really working out so well. Not a lot of people in my small hometown are really interested or financially able to prearrange and prepay for their funeral. It’s a great job but I can’t really earn a living at it right now. It would be perfect if I had a husband to support me and I could just do this for our extra vacation/play money…that would be ideal…but, alas…I am not married and I need to start supporting myself again.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. Revelation 12:11 NKJV

    Amy, you are an inspiration to many, an amazing mom, a bold woman with a bold heart to share her testimony with the world, beloved daughter of the Most High God. A Beloved Daughter of Zion. If I knew more about you, am sure I would have a lot more good things to say about you! The Rejection that you went through does not define you. You are greatly loved!

    I can identify with you on the rejection part. I have gone through it since childhood. Am relying on the Holy Spirit to fully restore my confidence. Am glad Jesus is healing you through the Holy Spirit. You will continue to help people who have had a rough childhood. You will continue to be a great source of inspiration to many because you are a great story of what overcoming looks like. May God richly bless you for sharing your testimony in Jesus name!

    Liked by 1 person

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