Fragments of a Broken Childhood Lesson #1

f77dc80a46b9cf5bc4a6e82dd797c90b--jealousy-quotes-marketing-online.jpg

In staying with talking about addiction this week I got to thinking about the addiction I witnessed as a child and it’s affects on me.

My mom was every bit of an addict. Her addiction started when she was 14 years old. Her grandmother would let he drink wine when she would go visit her, which was often as her own mother couldn’t “handle” my mom. Some would argue that if her grandmother never gave her that drink that she wouldn’t be an addict today. Some would say that it’s in the blood and she was destined to find addiction somewhere down the road of her life. Or how about the sins of the father being passed into the next generation? I can’t answer any of those. I can’t say I have a strong opinion on any of those I mentioned but I can say addiction is a lie from the pit of hell and it’s purpose is to kill, steal and destroy.

Addiction doesn’t just slowly destroy the addict-the family and loved ones of the addict pay dearly. My mom was the kind of alcoholic that would show up drunk anywhere. Banging on doors, yelling and demanding, then lying and conjoling when the former didn’t work in her favor. She was downright nasty in her dealings with those around her as she had one goal in mind. I know I sound cruel and even more cruel that she could read any of these writings at any time. But I’m tired of being silent for her sake. I’m also quite sure she wouldn’t take the time to read anything I write. And for the first time, that’s ok.

This series is titled fragments because not anything about my childhood was predictable that I could sequence the events. They were more like one mess to the next mess.

One of my first memories is sitting in an igloo my dad made for my sister and I. I had brown boots on and my feet were very cold. It was a good memory.

images.jpeg

My next memory is, in that same trailer, being in the livingroom watching my mom take the family photo off the wall and cut my dad’s face out. She then put it back in the frame and hung it back up. I can still see the shape of the cutout and the cardboard behind it. So sad, looking back. So mean and cruel. But I think we’ve all been at that point with someone in our lives like she was then. I try to remember that. My thoughts are like this, “Man, she could’ve just taken the picture off the wall. She didn’t have to do all that. Didn’t she think about us and how that would make us feel?” But then the next thought is this, “She was angry at him for something and she wanted that last word. I’ve been there many, many times. She probably wanted him to walk in and see that and be sorry for whatever he did or didn’t do.” How many times do we parents get so involved in our feelings and emotions that in the heat of the moment we’re creating these kind of memories for our own children?

But some of the stuff she did from that point on would inevitably take that grace in my eyes away. My next memory is still at that trailer. (My memories run on which trailer we lived in, what grade I was in, and who I was living with) She had all night parties. There would be strangers strung along all the furniture, loud music, and smoke filled air. I remember her giving me shots of JackDaniels whiskey in those little juice glasses. The ones that jelly and cheese used to come in. She would pour it and tell everyone to be quiet. I would drink the shot and not whince. I remember the burn and always remember the taste, but I did it the very best I could because she was smiling and she was giving me attention. They all were. My 30 seconds of fame, I guess. I was in kindergarten or 1st grade at that time.

0cd49e3e860938345d3e2b399f226178.jpg
Everytime I see one of these…I go back to those  memories.

So here we are right back to addiction and it’s nasty cycle. The same questions can be raised. Did she do it to me because it was done to her? But wait she was 14 years old not 6! Did I become an addict because of that and what the attention felt like? Did I become an addict because she was, and her dad was and her dad’s dad was? Or maybe I was doubly cursed since my dad’s dad was an alcoholic and a pill addict too. Makes you think doesn’t it? This kind of thinking takes the blame off the individual that’s using and abusing drugs, and puts it on their parents, on genetics, on curses, on circumstances.

I blame her for her decisions. The decisions she made, that I will unfold over a length of time, were what she decided to do. And yes they hurt me. I am staying on the path towards forgiving her, which I hope this series as I write it, will help me with that. But I don’t and won’t look further and say she did this or that because this or that happened to her. Because then I could look back at my own mistakes and decisions and point my finger at her and say it’s her fault I ended up at a methadone clinic pretending to get clean so they would feed me more. No one made me walk in that door but me.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that no matter what when or where or why, an addict is an addict and it has to stop. I spent so many years trying to figure out why she did what she did. And why I did what I did. It’s sin. Sin can happen to anyone, any family, any young girl. Look at those you may have heard of that came from fine families that had great upbringings. They get a certain age and boom they’re out the door and living on the streets begging for money. Sin is sin. Lesson #1.

slide_8.jpg

Advertisements

30 Replies to “Fragments of a Broken Childhood Lesson #1”

  1. Tough to read, but true all the same: Sin is sin. It’s easy to point fingers, the easiest . . . but it solves nothing. I pray that after this series, as you have prayed, that you will find the path of forgiveness. Your boldness to share is truly inspiring.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sin is sin. I used to use the old generational curse for my drinking and sexcapades (new word 🙂 ). But it honestly and truly boils down to choices I made. Dad had the Playboy. Yes. But I chose to keep snaeking and looking. Dad gave me me beer a lot. But I chose to start drinking after high school.

    Great start Amy!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Whole lotta processing.
    But, Pr 2.6 For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.
    Jesus is sitting with you as you go through this, holding your hand, offering you Himself. He gives wisdom; you know how to accept Him. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  4. God bless your eyes that see truth and your heart that discerns both sin and yet you have yielded to the calling of God upon our lives. I appreciate your honesty and that you cling to God’s truth. Where would we end up if we each called sin whatever suits us? We do need to surrender ourselves to what God has said is sin. When we are broken or see the brokenness in others and long for something better, that is our longing for heaven, where God will make all things right. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for your Godly insights.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Well-said Amy. A sin is a sin. I struggled to use the word addict for myself or my parents. It was that in between alcohol abuse to maybe alcoholism thing. The Bible says don’t get drunk period. Epic fail in my past and many others in my family. The road to healing is long, but shorter if we try not to figure out the why’s. Thank you for speaking out. God bless you and your family.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Thank God for how He has brought you into His most precious light Amy! You have a powerful testimony! With each post I see more and more how you will be able to bring Him glory for how He’s saved you. Praise God!🙏😇

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Jackie. So much stuff, but I’m so glad to be on the other side of it all. I was just telling my husband tonight how nice it is to have a calm settled life after all the years of partying and strife. It took a while to settle down, but it is finally well with my soul.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s easy to get to caught up in trying to analyze the triggers and reasons behind things that happened, but to what end? Can we ever really know? I don’t think so and the end result is still the same. Sin is sin, and we all need a Savior. Thank you for your continued vulnerability in sharing your story and reflecting hope for brighter days. ♥️

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This was a tough story but I could relate. My brother was a drug addict and his addiction not only destroyed his life but our as well. It lead to him taking his own life and it hurts so bad sometimes. There is a lot of shame both in living with an addict and dealing with suicide. I am glad that you are taking your pain, writing about it, healing and hopefully helping those that read you posts. Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

        1. Well thanks. I’m doing ok. I have much more to share in the way of my childhood. Luckily I was never sexually or physically abused so it doesn’t run deep in those areas. Just addiction and what it can do to a family. I’m feeling a poem telling the devil off again brewing up! Lol I hope you are feeling well?

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow – I LOVE this!

    “I spent so many years trying to figure out why she did what she did. And why I did what I did. It’s sin. Sin can happen to anyone, any family, any young girl.” – Amen! It took me a long time to figure that one out, but it’s so true.

    Thank you for leaving this link on my post about finding my father!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s