Left, Right, Left, Right


Bells and alarms sounding, clanging in the night air. “I did something, come quickly.” Is the message heard.

Footfalls pounding, chanting out their familiar song. Left, right, left, right…what did she do now?

Bang bang bang on the door. The crickets chirp as the tree frogs make their bird call sounds. No answer.

She did it. It finally happened, too far, no return. What now? Bang bang bang. A young shoulder slams into the hard door as it gives way into the quiet cacoon.

Strange place, sour smells of the night before emminate in the air. Down the hallway the footfalls pound and chant, left, right, left, right…she finally did it, what now?

Dark door to back bedroom gives way to the sight that was always sure to come…left, right, left, right, brace yourself.

The sound of snores can be heard under dirty blankets. A nudge wakes the comatose body, startling awake. “What are you doing here, I’m just fine.”

Red can be seen everywhere, or maybe it’s in the eye of the beholder. There’s a pounding and a chanting rythmic pulse traveling through the veins at the realization that it was all for naught.

Anger spews out of every pore. Rage flares the nostrils wide with contempt. Words spew forth never to be forgotten. Memories made, soon to turn into flashbacks.

Most of my poems and writings come with happy endings where God comes in and saves the day. I am still waiting for healing from some of the childhood horrors I faced. I know that God is working on me each new day, but those things buried under years of excuses, shame, and ignorance are hard to scratch at for they weren’t my mistakes made but transgressions made around me, involving me. They can be hard to figure as I was an innocent child.

This poem is about my mother and one of the many times she attempted suicide. It’s a sad thing to watch, let alone grow up around. Unfortunately, to this day she continues to do these attempts that are plotted and engineered by her. Taken in on a psychiatric hold and released and again and again.

I’ve never known anyone who had a mom behave this way. I’ve felt like an oddball and no one around could understand what the repercussions of actions like this do to a child. Until I met Julie Peters  on wordpress. She knows about these types of situations as she has the same situation with her own mom. It is a true comfort to know you, Julie.

So after finishing up “The Whole Truth” Series, I’ve come to realize that if writing about my own mistakes and regrets could do a work of healing in me, maybe I could write some about my childhood. Simply for peace and healing for my soul, no for pity or attention. I will be doing this series different because my childhood was in peices. So I am naming it Fragments of a Broken Childhood. It will be coming out bit by bit, snippets here and there as I hope and pray for more healing along the way.

Daily Prompt: Transgression


23 Replies to “Left, Right, Left, Right”

  1. Everyone grows up believing lies – everyone. There has never been a perfect human parent.
    That said, some hover in a fetid childhood and are covered in lies, the sewage over the eyes so thick that it can’t be wiped away.
    God sends His people to wash, to cleanse, to heal. Those who heal are themselves then His people, sent to wash others. He covers with His Spirit, comforting, piercing through to let the light in.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Chills. I’m almost speechless but not quite as that wouldn’t be fair to you. This poem deserves a response. Writing is therapy for many of us. Don’t shy away from what has made you, you. I pray that you can turn all of the pain over to God. It takes time. You and I know this. Don’t shy away from writing about the journey to forgiveness and freedom either. Those chapters of your story make the victory that much sweeter. Use your chapters to educate others. Use your testimony. God is already using you in a big way. I’m so blessed that our paths have crossed as I see myself in your writing more times than you know. Keep on keepin’ on girl!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Amy, my dear sister, like Julie I am almost speechless. Though our paths our different, our journey to healing is the same…it lies within our Father.

    Just as I did in sharing my struggles to find peace and healing you can too!

    This post have given me the strength to share a secret that I haven’t shared on my blog…yet. I’ve been married twice. My first wife was bipolar and was very suicidal. She attempted it almost every week. It got to the point where I couldn’t keep a job because I would get that phone call I didn’t want to get. Never knowing if she would be alive or gone when I got home wore me out on a daily basis. She would be happy one minute, depressed the next and sometimes violent.

    I’m sad to say I failed her as a husband. After five years…I left. I was in my twenties and just wasn’t mature enough to handle it.

    Praise God she found the right meds and is doing awesome. She has since remarried to a great Christian guy and mutual friend (actually the guy she was dating before we met) And she has forgiven me for leaving.

    Can’t believe I just shared that…seriously.

    Dang, I hope that doesn’t detract from everyone else’s wonderful comments 😦

    I look forward to reading more of your journey to healing

    Liked by 4 people

    1. There wasn’t anything you could do, really. I’m glad you shared that. And as always I look forward to your posting it lol! I’m glad to hear she was healed from it. It actually gives me hope for my mom and for Julie’s mom as well.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. This sounds like severe psychological manipulation and is very sad. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. You are a valuable, priceless, person that God created, and He doesn’t like it that anyone does this to you. She is trampling His precious treasure. I pray that He will protect you and your family from further harm and bring you the healing and the faith that you need to overcome and to have victory over the negative thoughts and emotions that the enemy wants to use to destroy you. God wants to build you up and protect you. He is your strong tower of refuge. Psalm 91:1,2,5,9,10,14,15

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Amen sister! Yes, she is not a part of our lives. She lives many miles away from me now and can only cause harm via phone which I don’t fall for anymore. I’ve come to learn that her salvation isn’t reliant upon me and that I can pray for someone else who knows the truth to cross her path and until that change is made in her life and heart I have to stay very far away. I’m in counseling battling alot of the stuff I may write about concerning her and am doing pretty good. The saddest part of it all was the fools she made out her victims in her illness and manipulation. I’m glad you saw the manipulation factor. Helps validate my feelings for a victim of that kind of abuse will question their decisions over and over sometimes


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