The Whole Truth: Conclusion

wp-1533531628916..jpgA couple side notes. 1. Thank you for your kind comments during this series. It has been overwhelming to read the Godly love flowing in your words. 2. This past week, God has moved in my heart toward a forgiveness for myself. He has also made it clear that he wants to use me, but when, how, who and where are still big ‘ole questions I have.

You can read Part 1 here Part 2 here and Part 3 here I have also added some links along in this conclusion to route you back to some of my writings and how they always had a purpose of leading up to the Whole Truth.

We pick up at the point of 2008. At this point I have a 14 year old autistic daughter, 4 babies in heaven, a new boyfriend who is kind to me but is an addict as well. I’m addicted to cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol and pills. We live with my dad and January 2009 I become pregnant. I would then quit drinking and the pills would become an every now and then thing. I would obsess over them though, believe me. I would continue to smoke cigarettes and smoke marijuana throughout the pregnancy. I was terrified all the same to be pregnant and lose the baby but I knew I’d never have another abortion again. The regret and shame I felt from the last was enough to keep me from even considering it.

I made an appointment with a doctor and on my way I went to being pregnant. I can’t say I was a strong woman, especially at this time. At 5 months pregnant I quit smoking marijuana, which was right about the time I would feel the baby move. Each morning I would sit in bed and wait and wait to feel the baby move. Once I did, I was on with my day. There were many mornings that minutes would tick by like hours waiting for that movement.

During these months i became pregnant and bored. I had nothing to read but the bible. So I started at the beginning. About that same time I had a nightmare one day while taking a nap. I dreamt of speeding at high speeds uncontrollably in a van with my mother, doing and behaving just like her. I woke up knowing that I needed God. I called my boyfriend’s mom and asked if I could go to church with her the next morning, which was Sunday. I felt God like never before. Each week I’d continue to read the Bible. There are stories in there! Who knew? Awesome stories that I knew were true. But what was more amazing than reading them was each Sunday I’d go to church with my boyfriend’s mom and the pastor would preach right from where I had been reading. This went on for 5 or 6 weeks! God was speaking to me, getting my attention. The car rides with her to and from church were something I came to look forward to as she unfolded her own story to me and taught me about  true repentance and baptism.

That August we got our own apartment, and I also was able to quit smoking cigarettes, cold turkey. Out of the 5 things I faced being addicted to, the hardest to stop was cigarettes. One of the Devil’s big tricks. The one thing that didn’t alter my state of mind was the hardest. Why? Because it’s also the one thing an addict will do the most in a day.

I was baptized in August hugely pregnant. I kinda floatwd up out of the water. Lol. Then married Sept 12. We had our daughter Sept 23rd. Sometimes I look at her little 9 year old self now and think, in somw ways she saved my life and doesn’t even know it.

20180723_193246.jpgTwo years later I tried to get pregnant. For the first time we had medical insurance and I was clean and saved. I got pregnant. I did it the right way for the first time ever! Baby conceived in wedlock, on our own medical insurance and was planned!

At 5 weeks pregnant I started to bleed heavily. But I told myself, surely God wouldn’t allow this after losing the twins. My next question was, “Isn’t there a limit to loss?” We were out to dinner and I used the restroom and was sure I’d lost the baby. So home we went, I wept and cried and just was sad. Over the next few days, I still felt pregnant and couldn’t understand why. Doctor ordered an ultrasound and sure enough what I thought was a miscarriage was not. I was still pregnant. Doctor put me on a hormone called progesterone. The ultrasound was on a Friday that following Monday I bled heavily and I somehow knew it wasn’t good. I would stay on the couch doing very little until Thursday when I miscarried. I kinda felt like David in the bible when he wouldn’t eat and stayed in sackcloth waiting to hear the news of his son’s passing. Once the son passed, David got up and washed his face. I felt like that.  Until my thinking and shame started in.

I lost that baby twice in a way. I grieved on a Friday night out to eat and the following Friday I was over the moon that I hadn’t lost the baby, only to lose it again the following week. God was punishing me. This is what I thought. I lost that baby twice to be paid back for the abortions and somehow I was ok with that. I thought here is my justice finally. That thought somehow helped me in the grief of it all. For awhile…

My youngest came along in 2012.

20180712_183120.jpgI went on a quest last year calling it the year of Amy. You see, I would get prayed for and/or pray myself for some kind of miraculous healing in my soul. But I always came away from it with no victory. I put myself in counseling last October. I had some things very broken in me; starting with thinking My God would punish me. I was broken from childhood trauma and broken from so many years using and the consequences that go along with addiction. In counseling I would learn of shame and what it really meant. I would find out by God pointing it out to me that my biggest hurdle in my life, spiritual walk and in my marriage and in raising my kids was shame.

I would learn how to bring to light in my mind all the things that I felt shame in. Even shame that was put there from someone else’s actions, I needed to forgive myself. And I did; all but the part of the abortions. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t give it to God. I felt, and still feel at times, that it’s my duty to hold onto those crimes I committed.he least I can do for two unborn lives that didn’t get their chance at this thing we call life.

Part of my duty of guilt was that I wouldn’t vote. I felt that since I’ve had two abortions I didn’t have a say so in electing those who are against it. That I didn’t have the right to be against it. To take a stand against it was hypocritical of me. I would catch myself shaking my head and wag my finger at the murderers in the news. I’d think or say something like, “Those men or women don’t deserve there lives or deserve even to be out of prison. But the next thought that comes…”You’re just like them.” And well, I am. When you get down to it, I am. But God…set me free! He forgave me. And somehow each day that passes I’ve got to remind myself of that. Whatever the Son sets free is free indeed. I am a new creature.

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I thank you for reading this series. For seeing it to the end…or maybe to the beginning; as now my life has taken on a new beginning, a new life! I’d like to add here that if you’re new in the Lord, I know how it feels to be impatient and want the changes God has in store to come to light quickly. But God has His own timing in all things and He does need your cooperation. I unfortunately, for the first many years of my salvation went to Him kicking and screaming in all things I faced. I also find it worth mentioning how we humans are blaming God for something when we’re not thinking He’s blaming us for something. (Sounds like another poem brewing) when in all truth He just loves us beyond a love we could ever give another. He smiles at us on our good days, when we made that funny joke, and He embraces us when we are hurt and longing for someone to truly understand us. Unconditional love.





38 Replies to “The Whole Truth: Conclusion”

  1. I clicked on all your links so I could get a bigger picture.
    You’ve been through a lot (as we all have, in different ways).
    One of the hardest lessons to learn from God is that we are lovable. It is one of His truths, and He tells us that, over and over and over. In ourselves, and from others, we look at the lie that we are unworthy. I believe God allows that especially so we see that, in ourselves, we are, indeed, unworthy. But He surpasses all; He is over and above all, and He loves us.
    He has made us worthy and lovable; so, we are.
    He has made us a new creation; so, we are.
    He made Jesus our righteousness; so, He is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. God is so good! After writing this series I realized it’s time to get started on my life given to me. I do have some more healing to do…but don’t we all? God has been so good to me. I don’t deserve it all. I look at my girls and think I don’t deserve them! Then I remind myself God only loans us these children to instill his love in them and then give them back to Him, if they’ll have him. Thanks my Kathy, you clicked on every link! That’s what makes you rock in my book!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Amy, I think Kathy Wire pretty well summed it up:
    He has made us worthy and lovable; so, we are.
    He has made us a new creation; so, we are.
    He made Jesus our righteousness; so, He is.
    Looking forward to seeing what God has in store for you down the road. You are a child of God, redeemed, made anew! Grace and blessings!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ‘Sometimes I look at her little 9 year old self now and think, in some ways she saved my life and doesn’t even know it.’. I feel the same way about my daughters. I think if we won’t do it for ourselves, sometimes God will give us someone to do it for … you found strength to change because she needed your strength. I am so glad you shared your story and I pray God now give you vision for the new things He wants to do in you and through you. He has done a great work in you, for certain … But He’s not done yet 🙂 bigger and greater things are still to come!! 🙌🙌🙌

    Ps … You have a beautiful family.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. There is healing that takes place in the writing …. I was able to connect the dots on a few things while I was writing out my chronological testimony, connections I never would have made it if I hadn’t had done this. I well probably right about some of that in an upcoming blog but for right now I’m just taking a deep breath. It was exhausting! I hope you find Space to breathe, refresh, and then jump in with both feet to the new adventure God has for you!!

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Amy I’m so glad to have had the opportunity to read your story. God has done an amazing work in your life and you are giving Him such glory through your willingness to share your testimony. Many people will be touched and God willing come to know of the saving power of Jesus Christ through your obedience to be a witness to His saving grace. God Bless you and your family! This new life is just the beginning. He loves you with an everlasting love.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m actually at my caregiving job tonight and having some internet trouble so I may not be able to try to figure things out tonight after all… 😦 Plus my little 96 yo lady keeps waking up and trying to take her covers off and thinking she can get out of bed. Praying for a peaceful passing…she’s been in this bed since the first of June.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I have read the whole series and I can totally relate. Abortion also took a toll on me. I have written my whole story under the category my story. I have also written a blog post speaking against abortion. under the title; Nooo! Don’t do it! I walked around with shame, guilt and condemnation and vowed never to choose abortion over life ever again. And that is how Reinhold came into my life. The devil is always ready to remind you of your past mistakes but God is always there to remind you of who you are in Christ. I have loved it. Your testimony is strong and am glad that God delivered you. Thank you for sharing your story. May it transform many lives. What overcame the serpent was the blood of the lamb and the TESTIMONIES of saints who NEVER LOVED THEIR LIVES EVEN UNTO DEATH! (Revelation 12:11) Praise be to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ! Forever and Ever AMEN!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kind words. And thanks for taking the time to read each of these posts and liking them. It means alot. Especially when so much heart gets poured into testimonials that you feel like you’re laying out there for everyone to see. May I ask how long have you been saved? And I’ll check out your my story on your blog this afternoon.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Amy,
    You are such a brave soul for sharing that. I will pray with you that it reaches everyone who needs to hear it. I certainly needed it tonight. My struggles were different, of course. I lost a baby to abortion also. The pregnancy was concealed, and the abortion was done without my knowledge. I only found out by accident. It wasn’t a random fling, or a girlfriend, but my wife of 13 years.
    Still, here I am 25 years later, still struggling to come to grips with my grief and my guilt.
    I did a pretty good job of forgetting, but a really bad job of coping, and I went thru 20 very destructive years. About 5 years ago, I chanced upon the ultrasound my wife had the day of the abortion, and I was undone. There was no more forgetting, no more denial. I have been struggling every day since. What I had suppressed for so many years, wouldn’t leave me for a day. After an episode with a handgun, and a real temptation to use it on myself last August, I have been seeing a counselor, and it has helped a lot, but there are still plenty of days I would happily turn that gun on myself, if I was the only person I had to worry about. One day at a time, not for myself, but for others. Maybe someday I will have reason enough for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have since writing that post been confronted with its affects all the more. You can read about it. The links are below. God is the creator of life never forget that. He doesn’t delight in death. The woman, your wife, can be forgiven of she hasn’t already asked for forgiveness. But how hard it must be for the man side of it! Especially when its concealed like that. The powerlessness of it must grip at you from time to time. But do remember, God has that child, that soul with him and you just find your way to Him in order to he reunited with that child. God loves you and cries for you. He also wants to see you forgive your wife…yes hard words to read and even harder to do. I will be praying for you. You have a voice for right to life too!
    If these dont connect you the titles are the whole truth: the devil stole my joy
    And the whole truth laid to rest


    1. I have already read those, but thank you for sharing them with me again. When that story crossed my news feed, it was very much like getting kicked in the gut. It was just to awful to contemplate. I can only imagine that it was so much worse for you. The closest thing I have experience was finding that ultrasound. It was literally the only evidence that I had not imagined the whole thing. I believe God kept it hidden away until I was ready. I had already been in recovery for a year or so when I found it. Without that support, I think things would have gone very differently. I am so glad that you were able to attend the funeral. I know there had to be some healing there.

      I have forgiven my wife. We went thru some really tough times, but the last 5 years or so, we have been plugged into a really good Church, and they have honestly been some of our best years. 37 years altogether. Having forgiven doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle sometimes. On occasion, those struggles can be very lonely and seemingly hopeless, but I am fighting back to the best of my ability.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad you have forgiven her. I’m so glad you’re healing. Glad you have a good church!
        The devil thinks he’s winning in the area of abortion and its devastation…but he’s not. At that funeral one man of faith from a prominent denomination said a prayer used with hateful words. Putting those who had the abortions down, putting them in a category with the man who hoarded the remains. This wasnt chrost to me. But another man stepped up next with tears streaming down speaking words of love. He showed Christ’s love for sure.


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