A couple side notes. 1. Thank you for your kind comments during this series. It has been overwhelming to read the Godly love flowing in your words. 2. This past week, God has moved in my heart toward a forgiveness for myself. He has also made it clear that he wants to use me, but when, how, who and where are still big ‘ole questions I have.
You can read Part 1 here Part 2 here and Part 3 here I have also added some links along in this conclusion to route you back to some of my writings and how they always had a purpose of leading up to the Whole Truth.
We pick up at the point of 2008. At this point I have a 14 year old autistic daughter, 4 babies in heaven, a new boyfriend who is kind to me but is an addict as well. I’m addicted to cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol and pills. We live with my dad and January 2009 I become pregnant. I would then quit drinking and the pills would become an every now and then thing. I would obsess over them though, believe me. I would continue to smoke cigarettes and smoke marijuana throughout the pregnancy. I was terrified all the same to be pregnant and lose the baby but I knew I’d never have another abortion again. The regret and shame I felt from the last was enough to keep me from even considering it.
I made an appointment with a doctor and on my way I went to being pregnant. I can’t say I was a strong woman, especially at this time. At 5 months pregnant I quit smoking marijuana, which was right about the time I would feel the baby move. Each morning I would sit in bed and wait and wait to feel the baby move. Once I did, I was on with my day. There were many mornings that minutes would tick by like hours waiting for that movement.
During these months i became pregnant and bored. I had nothing to read but the bible. So I started at the beginning. About that same time I had a nightmare one day while taking a nap. I dreamt of speeding at high speeds uncontrollably in a van with my mother, doing and behaving just like her. I woke up knowing that I needed God. I called my boyfriend’s mom and asked if I could go to church with her the next morning, which was Sunday. I felt God like never before. Each week I’d continue to read the Bible. There are stories in there! Who knew? Awesome stories that I knew were true. But what was more amazing than reading them was each Sunday I’d go to church with my boyfriend’s mom and the pastor would preach right from where I had been reading. This went on for 5 or 6 weeks! God was speaking to me, getting my attention. The car rides with her to and from church were something I came to look forward to as she unfolded her own story to me and taught me about true repentance and baptism.
That August we got our own apartment, and I also was able to quit smoking cigarettes, cold turkey. Out of the 5 things I faced being addicted to, the hardest to stop was cigarettes. One of the Devil’s big tricks. The one thing that didn’t alter my state of mind was the hardest. Why? Because it’s also the one thing an addict will do the most in a day.
I was baptized in August hugely pregnant. I kinda floatwd up out of the water. Lol. Then married Sept 12. We had our daughter Sept 23rd. Sometimes I look at her little 9 year old self now and think, in somw ways she saved my life and doesn’t even know it.
Two years later I tried to get pregnant. For the first time we had medical insurance and I was clean and saved. I got pregnant. I did it the right way for the first time ever! Baby conceived in wedlock, on our own medical insurance and was planned!
At 5 weeks pregnant I started to bleed heavily. But I told myself, surely God wouldn’t allow this after losing the twins. My next question was, “Isn’t there a limit to loss?” We were out to dinner and I used the restroom and was sure I’d lost the baby. So home we went, I wept and cried and just was sad. Over the next few days, I still felt pregnant and couldn’t understand why. Doctor ordered an ultrasound and sure enough what I thought was a miscarriage was not. I was still pregnant. Doctor put me on a hormone called progesterone. The ultrasound was on a Friday that following Monday I bled heavily and I somehow knew it wasn’t good. I would stay on the couch doing very little until Thursday when I miscarried. I kinda felt like David in the bible when he wouldn’t eat and stayed in sackcloth waiting to hear the news of his son’s passing. Once the son passed, David got up and washed his face. I felt like that. Until my thinking and shame started in.
I lost that baby twice in a way. I grieved on a Friday night out to eat and the following Friday I was over the moon that I hadn’t lost the baby, only to lose it again the following week. God was punishing me. This is what I thought. I lost that baby twice to be paid back for the abortions and somehow I was ok with that. I thought here is my justice finally. That thought somehow helped me in the grief of it all. For awhile…
My youngest came along in 2012.
I went on a quest last year calling it the year of Amy. You see, I would get prayed for and/or pray myself for some kind of miraculous healing in my soul. But I always came away from it with no victory. I put myself in counseling last October. I had some things very broken in me; starting with thinking My God would punish me. I was broken from childhood trauma and broken from so many years using and the consequences that go along with addiction. In counseling I would learn of shame and what it really meant. I would find out by God pointing it out to me that my biggest hurdle in my life, spiritual walk and in my marriage and in raising my kids was shame.
I would learn how to bring to light in my mind all the things that I felt shame in. Even shame that was put there from someone else’s actions, I needed to forgive myself. And I did; all but the part of the abortions. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t give it to God. I felt, and still feel at times, that it’s my duty to hold onto those crimes I committed.he least I can do for two unborn lives that didn’t get their chance at this thing we call life.
Part of my duty of guilt was that I wouldn’t vote. I felt that since I’ve had two abortions I didn’t have a say so in electing those who are against it. That I didn’t have the right to be against it. To take a stand against it was hypocritical of me. I would catch myself shaking my head and wag my finger at the murderers in the news. I’d think or say something like, “Those men or women don’t deserve there lives or deserve even to be out of prison. But the next thought that comes…”You’re just like them.” And well, I am. When you get down to it, I am. But God…set me free! He forgave me. And somehow each day that passes I’ve got to remind myself of that. Whatever the Son sets free is free indeed. I am a new creature.
I thank you for reading this series. For seeing it to the end…or maybe to the beginning; as now my life has taken on a new beginning, a new life! I’d like to add here that if you’re new in the Lord, I know how it feels to be impatient and want the changes God has in store to come to light quickly. But God has His own timing in all things and He does need your cooperation. I unfortunately, for the first many years of my salvation went to Him kicking and screaming in all things I faced. I also find it worth mentioning how we humans are blaming God for something when we’re not thinking He’s blaming us for something. (Sounds like another poem brewing) when in all truth He just loves us beyond a love we could ever give another. He smiles at us on our good days, when we made that funny joke, and He embraces us when we are hurt and longing for someone to truly understand us. Unconditional love.