The Whole Truth: Part 2

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February 2000 at the ripe old age of 25, I became pregnant with identical twins. I had an exhausting life of marajuana, cigarettes and bar-hopping 3x a week to tend to. To get pregnant was hard for me because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be pregnant and to be honest I didn’t want to give up the habits and lifestyle I had.

I did stop all the stuff. Smoking cigarettes…I wish I could I say I stopped but it was the hardest. When I sobered up some and settled into a routine, pregnancy was easier for me. I came to love the idea of having two little babies, one in each arm. I started to accumulate 2 of everything and looked forward to the baby shower.

The ultrasound at 6 months along showed excessive amniotic fluid, so I was sent to a high risk pregnancy doctor. He said one baby was bigger than the other. He didn’t say much else. This was back before you could just Google a phrase of words and have a handful of answers in a second. I was given some books on twins and started going through them. And that’s where I found Twin-to-Twin transfusion syndrome. A defect is formed in the placenta, a vein if you will, that is attached to both babies. When this happens one baby becomes the “donor” baby, not getting enough and the other baby becomes the “recipient”, getting too much.

I’ve told that speel to so many times for these past 18 years. I’ve learned ways to sugar-coat it for those receiving the information. Making it simple to understand, and keeping the cruelty of it out. But in all honesty, it’s hard to hear for yourself and it’s hard to share with others. Alot went wrong in this next couple weeks. I found out I was two weeks too far to have to surgery where they go in and laser that vein out. I should’ve been on bedrest, but wasn’t ordered to. I believe the doctor was negligent on his part but I never persued it.

I have many regrets looking back. Why didn’t I push the doctor further? Why did I wait a whole day to go to the ER? Would it have helped? Why didnt I stop smoking? I know now that none of those things would’ve changed the outcome.

At 28 weeks, I didn’t feel baby “A” move for a whole day and thought, ok it’s nothing just being paranoid. When I woke the next day, I sat still for a very long time and then felt baby “B” move so I thought I’m ok. We’re ok. Having 2 babies inside can get confusing sometimes, so I had this I could tell to myself. Until that evening, no activity. I went to bed, woke and went to the ER.

At the ER they put the monitors on my stomach and determined that both babies heartbeats were identical, but they were very low. The room filled with nurses and activity. While one nurse was starting an IV, another was shaving my lower area for a c-section. Another was speaking to me about a form to sign and explaining how the babies would be in incubators for 3 months. I was terrified. “D” was with me, and he was scared too. A tech came in and started an ultrasound, they needed to see the placement of the babies before taking them out. The tech looked at the nurse and they both looked at the screen. They then showed me where the heart was in the baby “B’s” chest cavity, there was no movement. I cried so hard that moment. I’d never lost anyone to death. I also never had a foundation, a leg to stand on since the day I was born. It was me against the cruel world and I felt so alone at that very moment. I felt something I’d never felt in my life. Then they looked at baby “A” and the same, no movement. What they had heard on the heart monitor all along was my heartbeat echoing off my uterine walls. They would perform the ultrasound two more times so that they could certify what we all knew to be true. It was torture to lie there, greiving laying still while they wrote things down and such. Somehow I felt like a sideshow at a circus. I felt like a freak of sorts. I guess now looking back I felt like that most of my life, except when I was drunk or high. I wasn’t loved in the way a child needs to feel loved and excepted, so I always felt abnormal to those around me. I was raised to feel guilty and responsible for my mother, that her needs were always more important. I would later learn that when a parent puts a child in this position, the child becomes parentified. Children making huge grown-up decisions with no skills to do so.

In my mind I had two dead babies inside of me and I was responsible somehow. It was my fault you see because I was their mother. I was all they had. You need to know how much this experience hurt me inside so when I tell you of the next horrific events in my life you’ll remember what a mess my mind was over this loss.

I would be sent home with the babies still inside. I was told I’d have to deliver them vaginally because a c-section would be hard to recover from while grieving. I delivered them on a Monday morning after 24 hours of induced labor. It would be the hardest thing I ever did to deliver two children who would not cry, move or anything else. The donor Baby “A” was May she was 1lb 6oz. 13inches. Her complexion was pale.  The recipient Baby “B” was Marie and 1lb 14oz. 13 1/2 inches and she was very dark reddish-brown. My biggest regret in the 6 hours I spent with them was I never looked at their feet. I didn’t unwrap the blankets from their tiny little bodies and just look at what God had created. Grief and regret can eat away at a person if we let it. I do now have to tools to look back on that moment and tell my younger self, “You didn’t know. You had a room full of people looking at you with pity, looking down at the floor not offering any comfort. You were a lost child having a child. You didn’t know how to be strong in a moment like that. You had no one to be “real” with you and you didn’t have God. So you see, you did pretty good that you had the strength to look at and hold your babies without losing it completely.”

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Their little hats and footprints and handprints. The pictures of the babies are too painful and graphic to show

They were buried together in a pearl colored casket the size of a breadbox. I stood alone over their grave. There may have been people around me, but I was alone. Seeing others cry over their loss made me angry somehow. My thoughts were they have no right to cry or feel any loss. This was my loss, my loss alone. Ten days later we went to the hospital to pick up their pictures. They take pictures of stillborn babies which seems morbid but sure helps a greiving mother in a way. On the way home, holding their pictures in my lap I saw a double rainbow. It was the first I’d ever seen a double one and I knew it was them letting me know they were ok. I on the other hand was not.

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The night I wrote part 1 of this series I was wondering whether I’d be strong enough to share the twins with you all and we had a double rainbow. This is it!

I sank into clouded fuzzy state over the next couple weeks. I was thinnest I’d ever been in my life at that point and I had just been pregnant with twins two weeks before. I’ll always remember the day I walked to the school to walk Lexi home from kindergarten and I couldn’t lift my head. I kept thinking how each person that passed me by just looked through me. They didn’t see that tragedy had just swept through my body and life. I would then sink further into marajuana abuse and I started drinking alot.

Aug 28th 2000 was the birth and death death of May and Marie. It was the date of my ruin. It was the date I decided there was no God that loved me and He took away my babies from me. I blamed Him and I made sure to tell everyone about the cruel God who allowed that to happen to me after all the other stuff He allowed in my childhood.

February 2001 I found myself pregnant again…

27 Replies to “The Whole Truth: Part 2”

  1. You are very brave to share your story with us. Our deepest secrets are often only known to us and God. By doing this you’re turning it over to God. Knowing that he carried you through your toughest times is so reassuring even in our pain. I look forward to the next segment. We all have our stories – each uniquely our own. Sharing them with others not only helps them their journey but it can be very cathartic for you as well.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I’m mostly healed of the twins death…as healed as anyone can be by a loss like that. The next part I share I am looking forward to a great move of God in my heart. Healing and strength to move forward in helping others. Thank you for reading!

      Liked by 5 people

  2. I, too, am so glad you are sharing. As you tell your story, I see how God was providing what you needed at the time, each time. He was there with you. I’m glad you kept the pictures of your babies. I’m glad you can look back at that part of your life with a different perspective, even with, still, the pain. The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. When we stop and think what God has rescued us from, to where we are now, it can be hard to believe that it actually happened, but we know that it did. How loving you are to share this. Thank you Amy.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thanks Bruce. The road to the part where I am now is still long as I have more to tell. As this “story” of mine unfolds I hope that the readers will have someone in mind, if not themselves, that need to hear the next part. And find that in God, true grace can be found.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Amy, I just want to say thank you so, so much for sharing your story. I am so thankful when you were not sure you saw a double rainbow. I praise God for you and your strength to share your story. ❤ May you continue to reach others.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. Doing better 🙂 thanks for asking! Worry and fear were really gripping its claws into me recently, but just last night God reminded me to ask Him to break any chains wrapped around me, and bit by bit I feel the tension around me lessen. Praise Jesus!!!

        Liked by 4 people

  5. Thank you, Amy. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I was touched by your story, by what you went through. And, I am so glad that the love of Jesus lifted you out of that time of despair in your life. It can be very healing to share our stories with others, for us and for them, too. We never know what others are going through and how God may use our stories to touch other people’s hearts. So, thank you, and God bless you! Sue ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Dear Amy,
    What a powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing your own experiences to give others hope. I have read all of your posts in this series but decided to comment on this one because I felt I could identify a bit with the pain you went through.
    On January 22,2015 my daughter who was 20 weeks pregnant started bleeding. She went to the emergency room and was told that she was in labor and was going to lose the baby. The doctor wanted to induce labor to basically abort the baby. My daughter and son-in-law rejected that plan and decided to let things happen naturally.
    I arrived at the hospital to find her in a delivery room with an IV and monitor on (the baby still had a heart beat) several hours later she delivered Conner. He was still alive but the doctor said he was too young and there was nothing that could be done to save him. For the next 20 minutes we held him and talked to him and loved him before he passed away.
    This was the most painful experience of my entire life including the death of my own mother. More than the loss I felt personally was the pain I felt when watching my daughter and son-in-law suffer.
    I held and hugged them and cried with them but I knew they needed more. Somehow I realized that there was not going to be a funeral but they at least needed some type of closure. I asked the nurse if these was a minister at the hospital. It was late at night but she said she could call him. It was the wee hours of the morning before he arrived but he came and prayed with us and we had a small funeral service before Conner was taken away.
    I only have one explanation as to how I made it through that night and was able to be the strength that my daughter and son-in-law needed. The strength came from God! He guided me to say and do what needed to be done that night.
    During the moths that followed I tried to be there for them as best I could, calling and spending time with them – not that there was anything that I could say to take the hurt away but just letting them know that I understood.
    It truly was the most difficult time of my life but I feel honored that God choose to use me in this way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes a total blessing is what you were in that time of their/your loss. Your daughter was fortunate to have a mama there being strong and loving. I wish I had that during my time of loss.
      I’ve written a few poems on heaven what it would be like and what my children might be doing up there. One image sticks in my mind…and I wonder if it was from God himself. An image of our deceased children on their knees bent over the side of heaven, peering down on us hoping and praying for us to keep our paths straight/narrow to get to them. Another thought I have is…I wonder if the children in heaven are at God’s table to dine being picky. Lol or do they get souo bowls filled with chocolate. 😉 thanks so much for reading! Have a wonderful Easter!

      Like

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