Hello friends. I’ve made a big decision regarding this blog and my writings. See, the reason I started writing was I have something to share. Something that goes deeper than a painful, traumatic childhood. It goes deeper than my experiences with drugs and alcohol until the age of 35. I have been called to help other women but fear has kept me skirting around the real issue as to why I started writing.
I want to slowly unfold the stories five lives. Five lives that mean everything to me. When I’m done with this story (which will take several series of posts) some of you may turn tail and run from me. I’ve come to except that because it’s not those who need to be reached anyhow.
The title will always be “The Whole Truth” I will number them so you can go back if need be. I ask and will ask each time I post on this series, that if you don’t like what you read to simply unfollow me. I do not need ridicule. I do not want pity either.
My story will give you an overview of me, where I came from and where I ended up, gratefully in God’s arms.
I never had any real nurturing. There are some family members who would disagree, but that is to only cover up their carelessness. I wasn’t sexually abused or physically abused either. I was simply ignored, shuffled around and treated as the black sheep’s daughter.
My father was and still is a loner. He and my mom divorced when I was 5. I don’t remember anything of a family. I have only a handful of times that I can remember ever being in the car with the 2 of them at the same time. The last time was when I was 17 and the 3 of us went to get our blood drawn to finally find out if my dad was my real dad. He is my real dad. He was my oasis from the cruelty of the world I lived in. He was always kind to me, but it wasn’t enough to prepare me for how boys/men can treat an unsuspecting girl who wants attention.
I ended up pregnant at 19 years old. I lived with my dad through that pregnancy. My boyfriend had his last day of school tests the day my Alexis was born. She was 8lbs 10oz. She was also born with two fingers and two toes webbed together. I remember feeling like most people that visited came to see that flaw instead of anything else. Some even went as far as saying, “We’ll I’ve never seen any of that on our side of the family” The day the baby and I were to leave the hospital, the doctor walked me down to a room where they had my baby on a table doing an ultrasound on her heart. They had heard a murmur. They found 4 holes in her heart. They said she’d be ok to go home, but she’d need to see a cardiovascular doctor.
All of this for me was overwhelming because I had no support, not in the way of a mom or a mother figure who could wrap her arms around me and say “We’ll get through this together.”
If you’ve never had a mom or had one and lost her early, then you know the giant hole it leaves in a child’s life. For me it was a slap in the face at times, because my mom was alive and around but her drugs and alcohol always took front seat. It creates anger and yes hate in a child’s heart when the child has to play 2nd or even 3rd fiddle to something so devastating.
She had hand plastic surgery around 1yrs old. They seperated her fingers and took skin from her hip to graft onto the inside. Her 4 holes all closed at a year old, but they found her PDA valve was still open. So she had heart surgery around 2 years old. They deflated her lung and got to her heart through her ribs.
She is now 24 years old. She lives with me as she has Autism and true OCD behaviors. We grew up together and sadly as you will read in this series of the truth, you’ll see that she was put through alot at the hand of my decisions. I believe that autism has saved her from repeating the mistakes she watched her mother perform. I can see what a blessing her life is to those who love her and are in her life. I’m very grateful that God allowed her to live and be with me. I have much to learn from her as she’s an awesome young woman who can see the purity and innocence in this world.
Her life is not one of the five lives I will be sharing with you. But make no mistake, she is very important to me.
Alexis can say that she doesn’t remember a time her parents were together in a family way, because her father and I divorced after a year and half’s marriage. One of the reasons being, I learned about the nightlife. The bar scene. The place to go to get away and not face anything.
When Lexi turned about 5 years I became pregnant by a man named “D” Becoming pregnant with a serious daily habit of smoking cigarettes and marajuana along with 2 to 3 nights of bar life was not in my plan. I wouldn’t realize just what I was about to be dealt in seven short months…