Do you ever feel like you’re going through life holding onto your seat with white knuckles from gripping so tight? Do you feel like if you let go, that at any time the bottom might fall out from underneath you? You tip-toe around, lightly stepping as to not disrupt your universe and send it sailing into pandemodium?
That plane is flying too low,” I think to myself. I’m barreling down the highway at 70mph watching a plane make its descent onto the tarmac, instead of watching the road. I start to invision the plane overhead falling from the sky and landing on my car or the cars ahead of me. Would I have enough time to stop? Would it explode into flames, or would it bounce and skitter across the lane before I made it to that point? This interaction with my imagination happens frequently to me. Semi’s pulling big tanks, jack-knifing, rolling, tumbling and catching on fire with a big explosion. And these are just the ones my mind comes up with on the road! I’m a mother, so you can imagine the scenerios that play out with my fears over my kiddos.
Some of you would say that I just have an over-active imagination. Or that I am forced to watch too many action films with my husband (which is totally true). Others of you would say I have some deep issues with fear. But what if I told you I think it’s from trauma? I grew up in a traumatic environment. Cops at the door, knowing our address by heart. Coming home from school finding out we’re moving and start a new school in the morning. Those are examples to show you what trauma was for me, I’ll spare you the true ugliness of it. For others it can be: quick tragic loss/death, battle/war, sudden disease, large financal loss, violent crimes, etc. Some of you have experienced more than just one those traumas listed.
After such hurtling experiences that leave us ripped open and raw, it’s no wonder we have excessive worries and fears. Those who have lost a child to disease or horrific accidents, who could blame them for being over-cautious?
For me, when things are going good and all is well, it makes me uncomfortable. I didn’t realize this until recently, but I’ll get nervous and anxious wondering what’s around the next corner. If we’re to truly walk in victory with the Lord, I don’t think He ever intened us to live with such fear of the other shoe dropping. But I do think He is smiling down saying “It’s ok my child. What you went through was tough or it’s all you’ve ever known. But I’m making a way, trust me, wait for me. Soon you’ll be able to loosen that grip and breathe. again”